Give ‘er the Beans!!

Annoying Things Mountainbikers Say…(I won’t make any friends with this post)

Just listened to the latest Pisgah Podcast and heard a familiar voice: Local Northeast Ohio Legend Mike Colonna, who is now a Pisgah Local Legend. Hopefully, we’ll read more about Mike in an upcoming post. One of the guests on the podcast, some dude from Santa Cruz bikes, used the term “give ‘er the beans.” It was the second time I’ve heard that term used lately. So I looked up its origin because I’m a big nerd.

All I got was this: An Irish term that means “hit the gas” or “give it a full blast effort.”

Such as:

Should I chug this pint of fine beer?

“Give ‘er the beans, bud!”

Should I smash this prick’s windshield?

“Yes. Give ‘er the beans!”

To a fat guy on a Rockhopper climbing the first hill at Mohican:

“Give ‘er the fucking beans, man!!”

Ok, that last one was a little mean.

Anyway, I’m gonna give ‘er the ol’ beans and bitch for a few seconds about words I’m a little tired of hearing.

• Whilst: it’s while.
• Yew!: you know, what a bro yells at a bro who just stuck a two-foot drop. Unlike that old guy who looked at my shoulder after I didn’t stick a two-foot drop at Austin Badger, which probably sounded more like “Ewwww!”
• Always satisfies: Blue Knob always satisfies. Satisfies what? Your Blue Knob?
• Never disappoints: Blue Knob never disappoints….that CAMBA chick who looked like Dee Snider????
• That was mean, too. But she did.
• Zone: it’s actually just an area, a network, a region, a trail system. “Bro, let’s hit the Medina zone.” Pro tip: we live in Ohio, not the Yukon.
• Down country: I actually like this because SO many people hate it and I have oppositional defiance syndrome. I was born with it. SO satisfying.
• Shred: Here’s an idea: everyone in your exclusive local riding club should have a Strava name with some variation of the word “shred” in it, like “Shreddy Van Halen” or “Shreddy Fender” or “Prince Shredward.” True story.
• Slay: It’s ok in my book to say, “We’re gonna slay East Rim tonight, then sit in the parking lot and get drunk.” You know, like that irreverent GWAR song.
• I guess it’s also ok to Mash and Shralp. I can still mash the singlespeed…a little. Last time I tried to Shralp, though, I nearly shralped in my pants.
• Group ride: supplied by my disgruntled son Adam who only rides by himself now. But he’s right. I dare you to try to organize a group ride. Go ahead, make God laugh. You’ll have to charge people $45 and call it a gravel ride.
• Ya’ll: the good old boy from Southeastern Fly Fishing can say that. He’s from the south and he knows where the fish are. You’re from Colorado. And probably really from Ohio originally.
• Fer sure: Man, my dumbass high school friend was saying that way back in the late 70s, and he got a D- in English class.
• Yeah: people use this word at the beginning of sentences as much as my Bosnian friend Denza uses the word “fuck” as a comma. “Yeah” should never be confused with “Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!” which is the sincerest form of commiseration you can get from The Rik.
• Bentonville: Bentonvile.
• Collective: I want to be in a collective, so I can drive my $150k Mercedes Sprinter van to Garretsville, Ohio for a road ride. “Program” was getting a little annoying there for awhile, too.
• Sick: Telling people that you’ll clean out their Beverly Hills pool so you can skateboard it is sick. Riding East Rim Phase 2 counterclockwise is not sick.
• Rad: I might lose friends over this one. I’ll just keep it out of my mouth.
• Goodness: That triple hopped quadruple IPA has SO much foamy goodness! My Athletic Brew has SO much foamy goodness! My AG1 has SO much foamy goodness! SO epic!
• Bits: My testicles are my bits. My stem is, well, my stem. My crank is down to about 165mm these days.
• Stoked: I’m SO stoked to do some shuttle runs at Jake’s Rocks with ya’ll!
• Technical gravel: so bring a freakin’ mountain bike!!!!
• Shenanigans: reminds me of my Spokejunkies days at Blue Knob with Dee Snider
• Goon Squad: we should just let the old-guys-riding-dirtbikes crew fully adopt this one
• Zwofting: the sound your ass makes when you decide not to lift off the saddle when farting
• How about Fair Enough? A multi-tool expression: It can indicate oppositional defiance or good-natured agreement. “I’m gonna take your picture because you’re riding a muddy trail.” “Fair enough!” Or “I’m not gonna get shit-faced on the ride tonight.” “Fair enough!”

SO lastly, Snookium. Now there’s a fresh word with genuine meaning. My friends coined it to describe the grime and goo, slime, funk and general filth that I scrape off my bits after a year or so of shredding. It never disappoints, fer sure! Yeeeww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Snookium. Otherwise known as the chili I spilled on my shoe at the Road Apple Roubaix. Custom-cut high-viz roadie spats available on the travelswithpops webstore.